How to Train Your Lover
- When we first connect with a new lover we are on our best behavior and will do whatever we can to make that new partner happy because we want to keep them attached to us. Once a commitment is made we tend to relax and just let things take their course. What often happens is that after a while we begin to realize we are not getting the loving we would like to have whether it be physical, that is sexual, or emotional. Assuming that our partner loves us and really does want to make us happy, the key becomes how to ask for what you want. Many of us will just begin to complain about what we are not getting. This in turn alienates our partner and makes them very unlikely to give us what we want.
- There are specific processes you can use that will not only get you what you want but will turn your partner into a willing and enthusiastic participant. The place to start is by acknowledging your partner for what they do that you like. Tell them how much you appreciate them in all aspects. I call these team talks. The time and place to have these team talks is when you are both relaxed and don’t have much else going on. Being out on a walk, or out for a meal are good. In the bedroom after an unfulfilling experience is definitely NOT the time and place.
- In the team talk, after you have acknowledged how much you love your partner and all they do for you, ask them:
- what they would like to have more of in your sex life,
- or in your relationship.
- what are their likes, dislikes
- their best and worst experiences.
Let them talk until they have expressed themselves completely. Then ask them how they would like to actualize what they want. Then ask them if they would like to hear what you have to say on the topic and you tell them your likes, dislikes, best and worst experiences
- Create a vision plan for your love life that will include how you can give your partner more of what they want. Set up times when you can tell each other fantasies whether or not you actually want to do them. I have a lot of fantasies that I tell Judith that I would not want to actually do, but would maybe do some parts of them. Make part of your vision plan to read some of the great sex manuals that are available on line or at major bookstores. Once you have read them, have a discussion about what you liked and didn’t like about those books. That could be a great prelude to a sexual experience.
- What will make this work is if you both stay open and let your partner teach you. It may require you to give up some old beliefs that are actually inhibiting your full enjoyment. In our free introductory E-book we have a list that helps to identify limiting beliefs. Cooperation is crucial. Stay teachable.
- When I was flying fighters, we always had a briefing before every flight. We would talk about every detail of what was planned for that mission. After the flight was over, we would have a debriefing and talk about what worked and what didn’t work. I don’t necessarily think it’s a good idea to have a briefing before you make love but I do think it’s a good idea to debrief occasionally after love making. Just don’t do it right after you make love. Wait until the passions have cooled and you are in a different environment. Make it like a team talk.
- I like the idea of having your love life be a practice. Like meditation is a spiritual practice or yoga could be a spiritual practice. The other concept of practice that applies is like practicing the piano, or practicing your gold swing or tennis or free throws. In that kind of practice, you are doing it because it is something you enjoy and you get pleasure just from the act of doing what you are practicing. That too can become like a meditation. When you are practicing, it’s OK to make mistakes. You don’t have to do it perfectly. So if you love life is a practice, it can become like a meditation and if you make a mistake, or it doesn’t work out exactly they way you wanted it to, no big deal, it’s practice. Just try it again and see if it works the enxt time.
- When you are asking you partner to try something new there is a great process that will keep them encouraged and actually get you what you want.
- First acknowledge what they are doing, “That feels good.”
- Then request a change, “could you do it a little (softer, harder, up, down, right, left)?”
- Thank them for making the change, “Thanks that feels great.”
- Repeat until you get it exactly how you like it.
- These are great strategies for creating the love life you desire and the life that you love.