Bondage, Fantasy and Fifty Shades of Grey

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Bondage, Fantasy and Fifty Shades of Grey

Have you seen the film Fifty Shades of Grey? The book sold over 100 million copies worldwide and the film is a blockbuster. Women everywhere are reading it and talking about it. This new “mommy porn” follows the classic romance novel formula: a virgin girl is ‘captured’ and seduced by a powerful man, who she in turn tames. What makes this bodice ripper different? The use of Bondage and Discipline sometimes referred to as B&D.

Bondage and Discipline seems to have a little stigma attached to it but that may be one of the attractions; it’s taboo. When properly understood it becomes just another form of foreplay. Many women like the bondage part, where they are tied up and made love to. It is an exaggerated form of surrender. Being made helpless so that the Dominant can do to them what they really want done to them. It’s like getting permission to be bad. And it also allows them to be passive, sensitive and just feel the sensations.

There are times when today’s women want to be in charge and tell the man what they want in lovemaking and there are other times when they just want to be ‘done.’ In the B&D scenario, the women get to put on very sexy, alluring costumes and be outrageous. Then they are tied up in ways that expose their bodies and made love to in a somewhat different manner. It’s easy for a woman to fantasize about that.

The discipline part is a little different in that it usually involves some sort of pain. A lot of women may not relate to pain, in general, or may only enjoy a very mild slap on the butt, or the titillation of a soft flogger. Others might enjoy a more intense sensation. The degree of pain is determined by the Submissive, and is usually by spanking or flogging. What the pain does is heighten her sensual awareness to her skin responses and brings her into her body. It also acts as a focal point to bring both of the players totally into the moment. When someone is flogging you, your mind is not wandering off. It is completely focused on the sensations. When the Dom is doing the flogging, he must pay careful attention to his actions so as not to cause more pain than his woman wants.

For many who play in the B&D game, the implements used are more designed for pleasure than pain. The playroom imbues a special atmosphere that has only one meaning, playful sexual gratification The floggers, a whip with many strands, can be made from soft suede-like materials such as deer skin and feel more like a caress than a beating. Clips and clamps that can be adjusted are used to heighten sensations on sensitive nipples and labia. Wearing costumes and getting out the toys and equipment are others facets that add anticipation and build excitement. The scene is much more about sensation and connection than pain and suffering..

I had a partner who liked to play bondage games. She even liked a little pain, not too much, just enough to awaken her senses. We had all the costumes and toys, light whips and floggers, leather cuffs, chains for binding. We even had a hook in the ceiling joist that we could use. We didn’t do suspension because it’s too hard on shoulder joints, but we did use spreader bars to hold the arms up and the legs open.

Another aspect of B&D games is the idea that Submissive has the complete attention of the dominant, knowing that his intention is to give her great pleasure. She dictates what is done and how it is done. The Dominant may do some things that surprise the Submissive, but if that exceed her limits, she can use a safe word (like in the book) and the scene stops.

Do you want to play B&D games? If so, you have to be a good lover and know how to do B&D without hurting or turning off your partner. It takes some training and practice, like anything else. You can’t just pick up a flogger and start whaling away.

The challenge is that some men think they know what they are doing but in fact they do not, and don’t have the smarts to ask a woman what she really wants.. In a survey, 85% of men thought they were good to great lovers, while only 15% of the women agreed with them. One of the attractions of Fifty Shades of Grey is the fact that Christian Grey, the romantic hero, is a highly experienced and skilled lover, who was actually trained by a woman. He aims to and knows how to please. The caveat here is that although you can be trained by one woman that does not mean the same techniques will work for another woman, since each woman is different. However, the basics are the same.

Experienced players in the B&D game will often negotiate a scene before they start to play. This make take some of the spontaneity out of the scene but can prevent hurt feelings or hurt bodies.

After the partners have played together for a period of time they learn each other’s ways and the game can be more spontaneous. If you’re going to try this, best to start slow and work up to the more intense sensations.

Fictional novels may not be the best training aid, but they can get those fantasies going. There are a number of books and videos on how to do B&D. The bottom line is that it’s all about connection. The Dom has to be completely connected to the Sub, conscious and aware of everything she is feeling in every moment. If he is trustworthy and the she trusts him, she can let go completely and be carried off to ecstasy. What fun.