So THAT’S Why They Do That!
Men, Women & Their Hormones
A Top Gun Love Manual
By Judith Claire and Frank Wiegers
Tired of emotional rollercoasters? Need to put an end to pointless power struggles, hurt feelings, and stress from communication mix-ups? Ready for real sexual happiness? Discover how understanding hormones—both hers and his—can transform your life and help you create a deeply satisfying intimate relationship with the one you love. Straightforward and compassionate, this down-to-earth relationship guide explains how hormones act as the silent drivers of behavior for women and men.
Utilizing the authors’ unique Top Gun Love approach, the book delivers easy-to-understand sections that provide practical help for men and women in every season of life:
- Dating singles from young adults through men and women in their 30’s and 40’s
- Committed and married couples
- Expectant couples
- Boomers, seniors and divorced or widowed singles re-entering the world of dating
- Partners facing menopause and andropause
Unlock the power of biology to enjoy a lifetime of love and sexual fulfillment. Learn communication tactics and understand methods to resolve conflicts, stay together, and be happier than ever.
So THAT’S Why They Do That! is written by happily married relationship experts Judith Claire and Frank Wiegers. Judith founded her thriving Los Angeles counseling and coaching practice in 1978. Frank, a former fighter pilot, launched his encore career as a sex and relationship teacher and coach. Together, the couple has created the Top Gun Love series to help singles and couples realize their dreams.
|1.||TESTOSTERONE: THE BIG T||17|
|2.||ESTROGEN: WOMEN’S WEATHER||61|
|3.||OXYTOCIN: LOVE IN THE SUN||93|
|ALL WEATHER OPERATIONS||126|
|4.||PREGNANCY, POSTPARTUM AND MOTHERHOOD||129|
|5.||ANDROPAUSE: MEN’S CLIMATE CHANGE||177|
|6.||MENOPAUSE: WOMEN’S CLIMATE CHANGE||211|
|APPENDIX 1: MORE ON ANDROPAUSE||275|
|APPENDIX 2: WEATHER PROTECTION FOR WOMEN||287|
|ABOUT THE AUTHORS||349|
My husband, Frank Wiegers, and I believe that creating a loving, fulfilling relationship that includes great sex is one of the most important things you can do in your life. It can also be one of the most challenging. The inspiration behind So THAT’S Why They Do That! Men, Women And Their Hormones is to help you achieve that treasured goal.
I’ve been a personal, career and relationship counselor in Los Angeles for 37 years. During that time, I have had ample opportunity to observe how important it is forpeople to understand how sex hormones shape the different approaches men and women have to just about everything—from making love, to communicating, to handling stress, to dealing with conflicts. Failure to grasp the underlying biology and psychology of the sexes creates confusion at best and war at worst. Conversely, I’ve seen how learning what makes the sexes tick vastly improves dating, finding a mate, creating a committed relationship and keeping a marriage healthy and joyful.
Although the book’s slant is on love and sex, it also sheds light on, and helps improve other important personal relationships—those with our parents, siblings, children, and friends. In the workplace, it increases our understanding of our seniors, juniors, co-workers and clients. I wish I’d had this information when I was 18.
In dating and couples counseling, I often find my clients blaming their partners for behaviors that are particular to the hormonal makeup of their partner’s sex. For example, this conflict brought to you courtesy of Mother Nature: “He never wants to talk about our problems, which leaves me anxious or angry” vs. “She always want to process everything, especially before we go to sleep, which stresses me out.” Like the myriad of other problems confronting couples, resolving this one requires understanding and compromise. That in turn begins with realizing that your partner is not flawed, but hormonally programmed to have different needs, abilities and reactions than you. This is equally true for gay couples, because one partner tends to be more masculine and the other more feminine.
My clients range in age from their late teens to well into their 70s, so I get to work with upset men and women in every phase of life. The huge hormonal changes that occur in pregnancy and postpartum, menopause and andropause can create significant physical, emotional and sexual problems that try both the person undergoing the change and their partner. Relationships can get rocky, just when a team effort is needed the most. It’s hard to get in sync and heal anything if you don’t really know what’s going on.
So THAT’S Why They Do That! is dedicated to demystifying the motives and actions of the opposite sex, as well as your own, in all the stages of your life. The aim is to increase your tolerance and appreciation of the natural differences between men and women, which leads to greater cooperation, love and harmony.
HOW THIS BOOK IS WRITTEN
So THAT’S Why They Do That! is the first of a series of books my husband and I are writing. Frank is a former fighter pilot turned love, sex and relationship coach. Together we teamed up to form “Top Gun Love” as a means of sharing our two lifetimes worth of experience and knowledge with couples and singles. Using the “Top Gun” analogy, we decided to create our books as manuals, much like the ones Frank used to operate jet aircraft, and to write them from a fighter pilot’s perspective.
Our intention is to make all “Top Gun Love” manuals user-friendly to men while still being wholly engaging to women. It’s turned out to be a successful strategy. Guys have read So THAT’S Why They Do That! and eagerly shared it with their girlfriends or partners. Women have felt relieved to have something they can show to their men that speaks for them. The ladies also enthusiastically shared it with girlfriends, family and reading groups.
The first and biggest section in any jet fighter manual is Descriptions and Operations, which gives the nitty-gritty details about every piece of equipment on the plane and how they interact. Pilots have to know this section backwards and forwards before flying. Likewise, there’s nothing more basic to male and female behavior than the sex hormones that produce human traits, drives and differences. Learning how these hormones work gives you the understanding and tools to pilot your sex and relationship life through sunny and turbulent skies.
We also use our own versions of other conventions in the fighter pilot’s manual.
A checklist covers almost every phase of flight; it is a list of tasks that have to be performed in a certain order to ensure that the airplane is operated safely. Our “checklists” refer to lists and exercises.
NOTES, CAUTIONS, WARNINGS
These are the special annotations flight manuals use to highlight important bits of information and to emphasize the increasingly dangerous consequences of not rigorously following operating procedures and processes. Ours underscore the critical “dos” and “don’ts” of relationships.
Another fun feature is Frank’s Air Force anecdotes and personal comments. They are indicated with “quotes” around them. So, although I wrote most of this book while he’s been focusing on our next one, Surefire Sizzling Sex, it’s going to read, by design, as if he wrote it. He also created the graphs and charts and his invaluable insights inform the entire book.
Frank and I hope you begin using So THAT’S Why They Do That! immediately as a reference book, turning to it as life happens and thorny gender-related issues arise. We also hope that your new understanding of the fundamental male/female differences shifts the way you interact with the opposite sex, eliminates problems before they happen, and creates sizzling sex and wonderful, lasting relationships. May you have smooth flights and happy landings!
TESTOSTERONE: THE BIG T
“Fighter pilots are driven by testosterone. Every guy in the squadron thinks he is the Alpha male and the competition is non-stop. Who has the best gunnery scores? Who flies the best formation? Who is the smoothest flight lead? And who wins at darts in the lounge? Not all guys are so driven by their testosterone, however many do have the same tendencies whether it comes to their professional or their personal lives.”
Testosterone, or the Big T as it is affectionately called, is the hormone that makes a man a man and is the basic reason why men can seem like alien creatures to women. And vice versa. When we understand what it does, we can compare it to our lover’s hormones and see how the differences produce all those conflicts that drive us crazy and all those charms that keep us coming back for more.
Hormones play a decisive role in who and what we are, how we see the world and how we relate to each other. Amongst other things, our bodies produce these super fuels to help create growth, break down food for digestion and absorption, and most importantly, determine and shape our masculinity and femininity.
MAKING A BOY
Despite a long history of husbands blaming their wives for not producing male heirs, it turns out that it’s the sex chromosomes in men’s sperm that determine their child’s sex.
NOTE » ALL UNFERTILIZED EGGS CARRY AN X CHROMOSOME. EACH SPERM CARRIES EITHER AN X (FEMALE) OR A Y (MALE) CHROMOSOME.
If the Y fertilizes the egg, presto! It’s a boy. The XY chromosome develops the embryo’s male sex organs, which in turn release the T (testosterone) that shapes its masculinity. Likewise, if the X fertilizes the egg, you’ve got a girl. Her XX chromosome grows the female sex organs that release the estrogen that forms her femininity.
Let’s say the Y sperm triumphs. After his sixth week, the boy’s tiny testicles begin forming. They may be small, but they are mighty, going into overdrive and flooding his brain and body with testosterone. By his 16th week, he is producing as much T as he will as an adult. By his 24th week his T drops to the same amount he will have at early puberty.
What is all his testosterone doing? Building and destroying. All embryos are originally female. It takes focused and intensive work to transform that girl into a boy and T is the agent that makes it happen. Firstly, testosterone constructs the boy fetus’ body, brain and the important brain circuits that run how males think, feel and act. It also gets to work, along with another male hormone, MIS, to aggressively wipe out the female reproductive organs and inhibit brain circuits for feminine conduct. While cells in the communication area are destroyed and observation and emotional processing centers shrink, more cells in the sex and aggression centers are produced.
Some interesting questions to ponder are: What are the unconscious effects of that metamorphosis? Could all that effort to become a male make men innately resistant to feminizing influences? Is that why little boys generally agree that certain toys and games are for girls and reject them? Or make guys resist seeing “chick” flicks? Are they dismissing their lovers’ suggestions to protect their manliness? Does anything feminine decrease their rank in the Alpha Male hierarchy? Or all of the above? Whatever the answers, Nature programmed males to adamantly create their masculinity.
All through his first year, our baby boy is energetically manufacturing those huge amounts of T to develop his male brain and male traits. Nature’s primary directive is survival of the species and testosterone is programming these little men to do their part.
NOTE» MEN HAVE THE BIOLOGICAL MISSION TO PROPAGATE, PROTECT AND PROVIDE.
MAKING A MAN
Raging hormones mark the leap into manhood. Testosterone shoots up, so to speak, increasing ten times or more in puberty. As hormones surge again, penises grow, voices deepen, guys bulk up and start to shave. The sex circuits in their brain grow more than two times the size of a girl’s. Overnight, females (or other males if they’re gay) become intense objects of desire. Throughout men’s lives, testosterone helps them get hard and produce sperm. It also contributes to the frequency and duration of their erections.
Both men and women need testosterone to maintain strength, mental and physical energy, bone density and muscle mass, and sex drive. But men have ten to one-hundred times more T circulating in their blood stream than ladies have in theirs, so guys often have a bigger sex drive and larger bodies, muscles and organs. Higher levels of testosterone are also linked to:
- Wanting more sex.
- Being more competitive.
- Thinking in a more systemized way.
- Being more dominant.
- Being more aggressive.
- Taking more risks.
- Being more independent.
- Being more singularly focused.
- Being more action-oriented and less verbal.
- Having increased spatial and mechanical abilities.
Testosterone increases the overall sense of well-being and self-esteem. Low levels are linked to listlessness, depression and impotence.
BOYS WILL BE BOYS
When women don’t understand that “boys will be boys” they may want their men to want less sex and be less competitive, aggressive, dominant, risk-taking, and independent, etc. In other words, more like a woman, more like them. On the other hand, men might want women to see things more the way they do. These impractical wishes are probably the biggest underlying cause for the conflicts we see in couple’s counseling. The sexes are simply not designed to work the same way.
TESTOSTERONE AND SEX
Have you heard the jokes about men’s English?
May I have this dance? =
I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? =
I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? =
I’d eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage =
I want to fondle you.
What’s wrong? =
I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
I love you = Let’s have sex now!
Sounds right to us. Unlike their lovers, guys are always thinking about sex and on the alert for sexual opportunities. The big T is the sex and aggression hormone for both sexes, but males’ vastly higher amounts keep them focused on it. First of all, men create about 150 million sperm every day that are screaming to get out—and in and out and—never mind. Plus, testosterone is released into their bloodstreams every 17-60 seconds, fueling them with desire. What’s a guy to do?
NOTE » WOMEN GENERALLY THINK ABOUT SEX ONLY ONCE A DAY, OR WHEN THEY’RE HOTTEST, THREE OR FOUR TIMES A DAY.
Their continual testosterone drip keeps men hungry for more. Foreplay to a male is a woman saying “yes.” Built to inseminate as many women as possible to preserve humanity, they’re armed and ready for action at the slightest provocation. That’s why males are instinctively and obsessively on the lookout, especially for younger, potentially fertile females. Mentally undressing and fantasizing about the fair sex keeps their T going and thus, prepared. However, as beneficial as ogling other women might be to your sex drive, your lover could be turned off by it.
NOTE » TO PREVENT HER FROM BEING INSULTED OR PISSED OFF, DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO CONCENTRATE ON HER WHEN YOU’RE TOGETHER.
“Doing exciting manly things also produces a flood of T. I can’t tell you how many times I came back from an intense combat mission with an erection.”
NOTE » FEMALES MAY NOT REALIZE THAT NATURE ENDOWED MALES WITH A NONSTOP DESIRE FOR SEX TO GUARANTEE SURVIVAL OF THE SPECIES, AND THUS MAY SEE IT AS A CHARACTER FLAW.
They can especially perceive it that way if you’re unfaithful or push sex with them when you haven’t taken the trouble to turn them on.
Rise and shine and morning wood! Men are ready for sex the moment they wake up because their T levels are highest in the morning. Lucky is the man whose lover is also hot in the morning. You might not be him. Your partner could be like most women and not want you for breakfast. While some females might prefer you for lunch, many are lunar lovers, who are turned on in the evening when you’re tired and ready to go to sleep. Oh well, you’ll manage somehow.
Want to know more?
Get So THAT’S Why They Do That! Men, Women And Their Hormones.
“Nobody in recent memory has written the ABCs and XYZs on the connection between sex, relationships and human hormones more satisfyingly than married couple Judith Claire and Frank Wiegers. They demystify famously bumpy terrain (fertility, menopause, testosterone, sexual communication to name a few) by crafting a clear and comprehensive 21st Century roadmap for the genders. If there is one book to solve World Peace by enlightening couples about their bodies, and solving in and out of the bedroom disputes around the globe, it’s So THAT’S Why They Do That! Happy landings, indeed!” – Xaque Gruber, Huffington Post
Exceptionally well informed and informative, “So THAT’S Why They Do That! Men, Women And Their Hormones” is impressively organized and presented, and very highly recommended for the non-specialist general reader seeking to understand the basic and vital role hormones play in human behavior in general, and their own lives and relationships in particular – Midwest Book Review
“So THAT’S Why They Do That is an owner’s manual for the human body that reveals how to master your hormones throughout your life to increase romance and happiness. It’s the perfect “how to” book for men and women. It’s a kick for everyone.” – Paul J. Zak, Professor of Economics, Management and Psychology at Claremont Graduate University, Author of The Moral Molecule: The Source Of Love And Prosperity
“Finally, a user’s manual for the opposite sex—and to better understanding yourself when it comes to love and lovemaking. This book distills the wisdom of modern research and practical experience into simple but profound guidelines that will enhance your understanding of the interpersonal dynamics that affect each one of us every day of our lives.” – Jenny Wade, Researcher and Author of Transcendent Sex: When Lovemaking Opens the Veil
Judith Claire’s book is well written and informative! It would be of tremendous help to anyone trying to understand male/female behavior, as well as writers and screenwriters who are trying to further dimensionalize their characters’ “behavior.” – Linda Seger, Author, Script Consultant, and International Speaker.
I have to say I was pleasantly surprised how easily this read. Makes understanding hormones and some basic physical differences between men and women much easier to understand.
Menopause as a subject needs to have much more light shone upon it. Not only for the women but also for their husbands who ,ay feel they have lost their wife to some unknown person that now occupies her body. A good read. – Jay Gibson
This book really helped me understand my wife of 17 years. She and I have had a hard year and this helped shed light on what we both are going through in our stage of life and our relationship. I liked how it was easy to read, with important as well as interesting information about the changes our bodies, including me, are going through whether we like or not! – Marc D. Barnes
The authors have clearly put in alot of research on the topic of male and female differences arising from hormones, and they present it with such ease, clarity, and humor. It’s really eye-opening to re-discover things we’ve all seen and experienced in relationships (romantic, professional, etc) and gain more insight. – Julia O
Kudos to the authors for bringing to readers a very important and informative book. They use a very creative and excellent format which helps the reader to easily comprehend the material presented. Their book has something for everyone regardless of age or sex. It would be a valuable text for college students studying psychology and human sexuality. Read this book!! – Sandra Behar
This is a an amazing book. If you ever want to know how and why men and woman do the things they do, read this book. I will also greatly enhance your sex life and communication with your partner. A must read! – Peter Shermet/Shane Health Resources Inc.
Judith Claire and Frank Wiegers have hit the nail on the head with this book. They’ve shared scientific and social research that explains SO much not only about why men and women struggle to get along sometimes, but also what to DO about it. Very well written, powerful, potent content and plenty of laughs, I just love every page of this book and I’m recommending it highly to my matchmaking and dating coaching clients and to couples who are in relationship, learning how to keep the flame of love alive and burning brightly – Julie Ferman, Master of Matchmaking, Los Angeles
This wonderful book is clear, informative, and very, very fun to read. It demystifies the sometimes baffling changes we all go through, and helps point the way toward equilibrium and better all-around health. Read it! – Rod
We all deserve great sex and great love. So believe happily married relationship experts Judith Claire and Frank Weigers. But how do we achieve our goal? Weigers draws on his understanding as a former fighter pilot. First you have to understand the machine. Memorize the flight manual! Learn the rules! Take a test! So, this love treatise is a discussion of the hormones which govern much of our behavior. Comprehend the effects of testosterone, estrogen, oxytocin, at various life stages, and your partner’s behavior, moods, emotions, psychology become easier to work with. We all love the euphoria that comes with the first blush of romance. This book assumes that the young man, high on T and ready to penetrate, also has the good sense to want a marriage and fatherhood of enduring love. So it’s important for the young man to understand menstruation, pregnancy, nursing, menopause. It’s necessary for the young woman to understand the man’s hormonal responses to team sports. Be sure to root for his team, even if the game has no meaning for you. Sounds simple, yet we have not before seen this material codified in a such user friendly format. The sections on love after menopause and andropause are useful, too, though they could be expanded. The perspective of the macho bombardier turned eager courtly lover makes this a must read even for lovers and spouses who are already doing well. We can always do better. – Amazon Customer